Motherhood and Other Such Things.

When I say these past few weeks have been hectic - I mean it! Graduation is slowly approaching, so I have been bogged down with papers and presentations and case studies, etc. My fatigue is returning in waves; I get tired like every other day and have to sneak out of the office for a quick nap. We're finally moving - and I remember what I loathed about that act in the first place; packing. Grandma's ashes have made their arrival to Florida - her first time here. I've already put my bid in for split custody of her with my mom, it may sound morbid but I'd really appreciate her spirit around me right now. I am overwhelmed with emotions and tasks to complete - and it's only Monday! 

Friday made my 20th week - which in non-pregnant terms means my fifth month. I'm halfway through my pregnancy and more anxious than ever. I fear miscarriage with a passion that seeps into my bones, and I've been doing my best to stay happy and light on my feet. It's hard to do that when you're a 25 year-old woman on the go. I work full time, go to school and pursue my goals all at the same time. If I feel a cramp, I worry. Thank God for Hubby, who reads What to Expect like it's the Bible right now; he knows more about my pregnant body than I do! He's there to reassure me that pain is a natural part of the process, as are a lot of the other changes I'm experiencing. He even compliments me on my appearance, which has changed drastically from the gym rat I used to be. You can see what's left of my abdominal muscles melting into my pelvis there. I actually embrace my pregnant self, but can't help but remember what used to be. However - I love these new hips I've got and can't wait to get back into the gym and get it all right! 

Today's events in Boston brought me back to a solemn place. It reminded me of 9/11 and the panic we went through that day and the days to follow. The news coverage today shook me,

because it was just last weekend that my brother and I were in Boston on a layover to New York for Grandma's sunset. We sat and talked about how beautiful Boston was, despite being avid Yankee fans. Seeing the blood on the streets was terrifying, and the lives lost are irreplaceable. As the days pass, I'm sure we will find out who is responsible for these senseless bombings, and I fear what comes next. I will continue to hug my family tighter and be aware of my surroundings. We cannot live in fear, but simply appreciate the days we have on this earth and the nights we lay our heads safely at home. I just can't believe I was that close to the danger. Again. God is good. 

I count my blessings again today. I thank God for life. Every problem I feel is so big has been minimized to nothing. I will conquer it with His will. 

In good news, we find out Baby's gender on Wednesday! We have an idea of what he/she is - but it's better not to guess. I can't wait to finally know for sure - stay tuned! 

Mommy Brain...

With all that has happened in the past few weeks, I must say my plate is full. Finding a home for us and baby, losing my grandmother, juggling my workload and school - I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I've managed to keep calm and thug it out, but deep down inside I want to go somewhere far and be quiet. I know just the place...

I've got quite a few fears that I don't speak about. My usual mode of operation is to play it cool and panic when I'm alone. This condo search was a wild goose chase, and now that we're on the final stretch to a new home I pray hard that everything runs smoothly. Spinning around in that living room today really brought me to reality.

I'm having a baby.

Which brings me to my next fear. Miscarriage. I don't even want to harp on this topic, but all I do these days are make sure I'm well fed, well rested and as happy as I can be. I haven't been told by the doctor that I'm at any risk at all, but considering the events of the past few years I am just terrified of this word. I know, however, that it's all in God's hands and he has protected us all thus far. All I can do is continue to trust in him and live life accordingly. 

Grandma wasn't here to meet Baby, or see me graduate or get married. It devastated me to know these things would not come to pass before her eyes - and each is only in a matter of months!

Gender in two weeks, the suspense is maddening! 

Life is truly a blessing. Cherish it! 

My history...

My future...

Happy Birthday, Bar...

                                             Sunny funeral day.


So today is his birthday. The pain has subsided over the course of two years - but the memories remain. His picture's still on top of my desk; watching over my room like a true guardian. I take it down from time to time, shake my head and say a prayer silently under my breath. I miss him. 

                                       His burial site... 


I miss his laugh, I miss the way his pigeon-toed feet would drag across the ground, slow and paced. I miss our walks to the park, talks about nothing. Basketball days in elementary school - my first boy crush. Who knew we'd become such good friends? Remember Anthony Smith? Lol. Wonder where that fool is now. Looking forward to seeing into him when I came home to visit. There was a point in time when I wasn't even allowed to talk to him. My ex wouldn't allow me to even walk down his block once he found out where he lived. It was a painful feeling, for sure. We'd walk past each other on the Avenue - secretly exchange waves. To miss out on a best friend like that hurts - and I regret allowing it to happen for so long. I could have been there that night when he was attacked. I could have helped him. It shouldn't have been that I was only allowed to see him because he was hurt and near death. It was an unfair situation. So many years wasted. Now I can only talk to him in my thoughts. 


Two years later - and my life has been totally changed. Partially because of losing him, partially because of the turbulent series of events that took place after. Uncle C. committing suicide sealed the deal. My world spiraled out of control from that point on - and I'm paying the consequences to this day. I won't blame him - it's not his fault they attacked him. I blame myself for being unable to cope. All I can do now is celebrate his life. 


Bar - if you're in that computer cafe in the sky reading this - just know that I love you. I love you for your calm demeanor, your ability to make light of any situation. I love you for being my friend through everything, respecting my decisions and understanding my choices. I love you for never forgetting me - even when you moved away and came back. I love you for letting me know that you loved me back - even while hooked up to machinery and iv's. When you squeezed my hand that day - you gave me hope. Hope that life can continue through whatever hard times we may face. I love you for being yourself. 

I will never forget you, my good friend. No one will. How could they? You were the last of a dying breed: loyal, caring and true friends. We need more people like you on this earth. I hope to keep you alive by remaining a good person, maybe rubbing off on someone else and perpetuating your spirit. Muhammad Bylik Etheridge - til we meet again... 

Check out my tribute tattoo here...