"Pregnancy Woahs..."

These past few days have truly been a wake up call; I am about to be a mother. If ever this child would get here. Unbeknownst to most, I have been in the hospital for three days trying to be induced. Baby A doesn't seem to want to come out on her own, and my vagina decided that it doesn't want to loosen up and let her out. The past few days have really put life into perspective once again for me - and reminded me that "when man ah plan, God ah laugh."

Not only have I not dilated, my body is soaking up the meds like a sponge. The Pitocin everyone talks about as throwing them into crazy contractions barely got my pain threshold over 5, and I ended up maxing out on the highest dosage. The doctor has since taken me off, and I am now hoping that nature takes its course.

It's been an overwhelming few days, none of which I expected to take place. I packed a bag and expected to be walking out with a baby by now. WRONG. I thought I was going all natural - WRONG. I thought I was having an average sized baby - definitely WRONG. While I appreciate the love and concern - I've been so  overwhelmed by calls and texts asking if the baby has been born. I had to fall off the grid and find solace once again in my little ol' blog. Thank you guys for being silent eyes and ears.

This time alone has given me an opportunity to reflect on the past few weeks. I'm married now - and Hubby has been so awesome through this whole pregnancy. I have been blessed to have an easy pregnancy up to this point, and having a great man by my side has truly been an honor. We got a little flack for our fake eloping, but honestly - the union is only about two people. The major wedding is in the works, I hope everyone can be patient enough to wait until 2014!

It took me forever to post this - baby A is almost two weeks old already! New post coming soon :)

The Power of Talking to Baby...

Sitting in the library, reading what should be my notes for class tomorrow. I ran across an article in the New York Times that discusses the importance of talking to your fetus, infant, child. This is a practice I took on at an early age with my little sister. Even though she was deaf until the age of two, we'd get into spirited debates with her about politics, the weather, food - you name it. Almost thirteen years later, she's one of the brightest, most intelligent children I know. Her tone is impeccable (with the exception of her NewYorkJamaicanDominican accent); something that is uncommon in the deaf community. As soon as her Cochlear was turned on, we were having full blown conversations about her day or the color of her clothes, or my father's beard. I know this was integral in her growth and development, no matter how trivial people may have thought it was at the time. 

The article stresses the importance of "Family conversation," and describes the difference between families on welfare and higher earning families in the way they interact with their children. 

    "The disparity was staggering. Children whose families were on welfare heard about 600

Aunty, Uncle and Baby Nas...

words per hour. Working-class children heard 1,200 words per hour, and children from professional families heard 2,100 words. By age 3, a poor child would have heard 30 million fewer words in his home environment than a child from a professional family. And the disparity mattered: the greater the number of words children heard from their parents or caregivers before they were 3, the higher their IQ and the better they did in school. TV talk not only didn’t help, it was detrimental."

Coming from a lower-middle class family, we never experienced this issue. My parents were educated, higher educated, then educated again in America. They encouraged us with conversation and made sure we spoke proper English in the home. We didn't receive welfare, so maybe this played a part - but they provided us with books and limited our TV time. Creativity was fostered through toys and time with friends. We turned out pretty good.

Daddy & Baby time... 

At work, some of my co-workers don't seem to grasp the concepts I'm talking about. When Baby kicks, I talk to my belly. "Sorry, I didn't mean to jerk like that" or "I know, I'm hungry too!" At this stage in prenatal development, the baby is beginning to recognize our voices and hear sounds. I find it very important to let Baby know I'm here at all times. I said something to my belly one day, and a co-worker said, "Will you stop being a first-time mother already?" She's the same one who told me she wasn't excited about her first pregnancy. I wonder what her children are like. Conversely, my also pregnant co-worker talks to her tummy, too! She's due with her second child any day now. Pretty sure her kid's a smart one. 

     "Hart and Risley later wrote that children’s level of language development starts to level off when it matches that of their parents — so a language deficit is passed down through

generations. They found that parents talk much more to girls than to boys (perhaps because girls are more sociable, or because it is Mom who does most of the care, and parents talk more to children of their gender). This might explain why young, poor boys have particular trouble in school. And they argued that the disparities in word usage correlated so closely with academic success that kids born to families on welfare do worse than professional-class children entirely because their parents talk to them less. In other words, if everyone talked to their young children the same amount, there would be no racial or socioeconomic gap at all. (Some other researchers say that while word count is extremely important, it can’t be the only factor.)"

I can attest to this comparison, as I know plenty of kids I grew up with whose parents barely spoke to them. If it wasn't to chastise or threaten, it was very little conversation. My mother and I would sit and have senseless conversation all the time, in addition to the intellectual chatter. My brother and I excelled in school (with the exception of math - I suck at math) and I graduated with honors courses in High School. Most of the kids I grew up with either dropped out or never pursued college education. 

Maybe their mothers didn't talk to their bellies, either. Hmmm... 

Sources:

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/04/10/the-power-of-talking-to-your-baby/?src=me&ref=general 

Motherhood and Other Such Things.

When I say these past few weeks have been hectic - I mean it! Graduation is slowly approaching, so I have been bogged down with papers and presentations and case studies, etc. My fatigue is returning in waves; I get tired like every other day and have to sneak out of the office for a quick nap. We're finally moving - and I remember what I loathed about that act in the first place; packing. Grandma's ashes have made their arrival to Florida - her first time here. I've already put my bid in for split custody of her with my mom, it may sound morbid but I'd really appreciate her spirit around me right now. I am overwhelmed with emotions and tasks to complete - and it's only Monday! 

Friday made my 20th week - which in non-pregnant terms means my fifth month. I'm halfway through my pregnancy and more anxious than ever. I fear miscarriage with a passion that seeps into my bones, and I've been doing my best to stay happy and light on my feet. It's hard to do that when you're a 25 year-old woman on the go. I work full time, go to school and pursue my goals all at the same time. If I feel a cramp, I worry. Thank God for Hubby, who reads What to Expect like it's the Bible right now; he knows more about my pregnant body than I do! He's there to reassure me that pain is a natural part of the process, as are a lot of the other changes I'm experiencing. He even compliments me on my appearance, which has changed drastically from the gym rat I used to be. You can see what's left of my abdominal muscles melting into my pelvis there. I actually embrace my pregnant self, but can't help but remember what used to be. However - I love these new hips I've got and can't wait to get back into the gym and get it all right! 

Today's events in Boston brought me back to a solemn place. It reminded me of 9/11 and the panic we went through that day and the days to follow. The news coverage today shook me,

because it was just last weekend that my brother and I were in Boston on a layover to New York for Grandma's sunset. We sat and talked about how beautiful Boston was, despite being avid Yankee fans. Seeing the blood on the streets was terrifying, and the lives lost are irreplaceable. As the days pass, I'm sure we will find out who is responsible for these senseless bombings, and I fear what comes next. I will continue to hug my family tighter and be aware of my surroundings. We cannot live in fear, but simply appreciate the days we have on this earth and the nights we lay our heads safely at home. I just can't believe I was that close to the danger. Again. God is good. 

I count my blessings again today. I thank God for life. Every problem I feel is so big has been minimized to nothing. I will conquer it with His will. 

In good news, we find out Baby's gender on Wednesday! We have an idea of what he/she is - but it's better not to guess. I can't wait to finally know for sure - stay tuned! 

Mommy Brain...

With all that has happened in the past few weeks, I must say my plate is full. Finding a home for us and baby, losing my grandmother, juggling my workload and school - I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I've managed to keep calm and thug it out, but deep down inside I want to go somewhere far and be quiet. I know just the place...

I've got quite a few fears that I don't speak about. My usual mode of operation is to play it cool and panic when I'm alone. This condo search was a wild goose chase, and now that we're on the final stretch to a new home I pray hard that everything runs smoothly. Spinning around in that living room today really brought me to reality.

I'm having a baby.

Which brings me to my next fear. Miscarriage. I don't even want to harp on this topic, but all I do these days are make sure I'm well fed, well rested and as happy as I can be. I haven't been told by the doctor that I'm at any risk at all, but considering the events of the past few years I am just terrified of this word. I know, however, that it's all in God's hands and he has protected us all thus far. All I can do is continue to trust in him and live life accordingly. 

Grandma wasn't here to meet Baby, or see me graduate or get married. It devastated me to know these things would not come to pass before her eyes - and each is only in a matter of months!

Gender in two weeks, the suspense is maddening! 

Life is truly a blessing. Cherish it! 

My history...

My future...

14.

14 Weeks. Sheesh! 

You've got fingernails, and hair all over. You're squinching your little eyes when I poke you - yeah, I'm kind of annoying. Three more weeks and we meet again. I can't wait! Watching you kick and squirm around was amazing. I understand why people want to touch me now - you've created some sort of aura that I can't explain. 

No nausea, fatigue is gone - and this maternity pillow has been giving me life! The second trimester really is pretty dope so far. If you can keep this up, we might make you a sibling next year, lol. 

Just kidding. 

Anyway - that is all for now. I'm going to find something to feast on before bed. And pop these TUMS like candy. Tomorrow, we're back to work! 

Baby, Baby, Bayybayyyy...

These past few weeks have been all about baby. Stopped at IKEA to browse cribs with hubby. Bedroom sets for baby's room. I tell ya, this is a lot to process! The minute I saw that little bloob with that big little head and those cute little fingers dancing around on the screen, I became enamored. This is real. The doctor told me that baby was safely in the correct location, and I burst into tears. God is amazing. 

Ironically, during my excitement - I've gotten a few pieces of negative commentary from both people who are near and dear to my heart and some irrelevant characters. It amazes me that within such an amazing and blessed phase in my ADULT life, there are people who have so much to say. What are you supposed to be doing with your life? Because I'm doing what God intended for me. The judgements and opinions are for the birds. As I tell everyone these days, all my fcks have been transfered to my baby via the umbilical cord. All shade is being returned to sender. 

I still can't feel anything moving, but now that I know you're in there I can't help but feel good every day. No morning sickness, mild appetite suppression and a great set of boobs? I have truly been blessed thus far in pregnancy. I hear the glow starts this week - we'll see. 

Lately I've only wanted fruit during the day, and olives at night. My butt has grown two inches and my boobs one. I start my new exercise regimen this week AND I round off my first trimester as well. Good things come to those who wait, and boy I was getting tired! The icing on the cake is - I get to see Baby Bloob again on Wednesday! Nobody can stop my happiness right about now. 

No tea, no shade! 

Gestation...

Six weeks. Seems like so little, but a lot has formed in that amount of time. A heartbeat. Little nubbies for hands. A tail! Lol, I love you already - you're a Martian just like me. This constant hunger is a sign that you are truly my child; everyone knows I love to eat. You take as much time as you want in this tummy of mine, I could wait for years just to see your chunky little face shining up at me, but eight more months will do. It is an honor and a blessing to be your mother. 

I haven't told the world yet - because I want to see you for myself first. I won't pretend I'm not nervous, but I'm more excited than anything. If you knew where I've been in life, you'd understand why. One day when your older, my dear. Your daddy can't wait to see you, he's already buying a shiny new toy for your protection... 

Alas, I must sleep now. We've got to save our energy for next week, when you start moving those little limbs of yours. I'll be here for every step, every motion, every burp. Got blessed me when he made you... 

Where Have You Been?

"All my liyeeiiiffee!!" *Rihanna voice*

Just kidding. My sincerest apologies for the hiatus. Ironically considering that I didn't "work" for almost four months, I have been ridiculously busy! How about a quick recap of what Kimi's been dealing with lately? 

1. The Vadge Site:

I want to thank everyone for going so hard for me these past few months - VForVadge.com is currently at 10,976 views and counting! My little fledgling has turned into a full-blown sexual health and wellness site, just like I hoped for. I am pretty sure my readers are to blame for this - you guys are awesome. On January 1, I'll be revealing my celebration giveaways - stay tuned! 

2. School's Almost Done!! 

They tried to sneak me with the electives - but I see the light at the tunnel - 2013 means graduation for Kimi! Yes, I'll be going on to grad school at last, but  this progress makes me so happy. I'm taking one semester off to pursue my business ventures - but then it's back at it! 



3. Moving!! 

Undisclosed locations, lol :) 

4. LeVadge Shop is Up and Running

My online store has been doing well, and I'm adding new products for 2013. Be sure to check it out, we've got sales running until January 1. Then the new products hit the "shelf." I can't wait for you guys to see what's up! 
http://shopvforvadge.com 

5. Chris Wynter Music!! 

I am proud to say that I've been working closely with this dope artist - which you've seen featured on my blog before. Mr. Wynter's got some real fire coming out this year, and it's an honor to say I have a hand in this. I'm currently building his website and assisting in the promotional process. We've got a great talent coming up in Hip Hop. Keep your eye out for ChrisWynterMusic.com! 

So, as you can see my plate has been super full. I've got so many pics and thoughts to share with you guys - I can't even keep them all in my brain. Expect a lot of posts, as soon as the cable guy comes to hook up my internet. Love you guys lots! 

Living Fearlessly

As I progress through my 25th year on this earth, I'm quickly learning that sometimes you've gotta go balls out for the things you want in life. No matter what it is, if it's something you've set your sights on - jump up and go for it. Travel plans? Dating? That promotion you've always wanted? Every lesson in my life has taught me a new version of this same concept. 

Every day, I care a little less about the opinions of strangers and acquaintances - even my peers don't always give the best advice. It's God that leads us to the places we're destined to be, which means most of the time we should be listening to the voice within ourselves. I've been subconsciously afraid all my life of what other people think of me. How much I help people was 50% personal desire to assist and 50% whether they'd be mad if I didn't. I'd overextend myself so much that I'd burn out! BUT - because I was so concerned with the next person's feelings - I'd stuff mine in my pocket and grin and bare it. It cost me many dollars and quite a few sleepless nights. 

Never no more. 

Last year I decided to do the things I always wanted to do - and they brought so much happiness to my life. I'd say what I felt when I felt it; not shooting from the hip, but with a lot less caution and worry. Human beings are not always receptive to honesty, but sometimes it's the only policy that works. Feels a lot better to the spirit when you get things off your chest. People will respect you for it, too! 

This new journey in my life brings me somewhere that I'm apparently known for - but is still a taboo issue. I'm really passionate about it, though - so if I take other people's opinions and thoughts into consideration, I'm destined to fail. So I won't. I listen to the ideas and suggestions of my immediate loved ones, who have helped me so much in finding myself and what I want to do with my life. Even when I ignore their suggestions, they still respect it - because I'm going out for mine. So far, it hasn't failed me. 

Today, I challenge you. Take one thing you've always wanted to do, say, touch, eat. One. Do it. Today. Now if you can. Don't wait until tomorrow - because you won't. Tell that person you love them, grab that fruit at the oriental market (buy it) - then go eat it! Don't get yourself hurt though, lol - I can't be responsible for that. 

Live fearlessly. Live YOUR Life. 

Random Thoughts...

I look around his apartment, my stuff is everywhere. Like it should be. Come and go as I please, cook dinner at my place, sometimes at his. Movie nights at home and takeout, double dates with friends. Titles. I freaking love titles.

Who are we kidding, most of us like titles. It defines the relationship, solidifies all we've been doing to get to know each other for all these months. The dates, the slow progression - meeting parents and all that. This is the goal, and we're here. The thug in me already acknowledged this fact and allowed it; I can put my heart into this relationship without worry. Cuz let's face it, I've dated some undeserving guys. This though, feels right. Friends become the best lovers, partners - futures. One day at a time of course.

Instead of diving in headfirst, we dipped our ankles in then our feet. Baby steps. The wise way. No public eye, no envious lips - just us. Dare I say Bey and Jay 2.0? Lol - we shall see...

Girl Code - What NOT to Do After a Breakup...

I'm taking a much needed 15minute break from my studying and I figured I'd use it for good instead of evil. As us young people know, "Cuffing Season" starts this month, and there will be a lot of breakups and make ups going on within this time. For those who live under a social rock, "(hand)Cuffing Season" is the time after summer where people prepare for the winter cold by selecting a dating partner to keep them warm. This often means fall-winter hookups that end when spring and summer begin - but they often lead into actual relationships. 

Within this time, there will be a lot of breakups. Boyfriends may see other females that catch their eye, girlfriends may see guys with more to offer than just hard dick and bubble gum. Sometimes, we're just plain old tired of the person we're dating. It happens. What I tend to see during Cuffing Season are tons of bitter women (guys too) sulking and pouting, stomping around making senseless noise. Here are a few rules to live by:



1. DO NOT run to Facebook and air out your relationship. 
       This usually backfires. I am so tired of seeing people (tagged and untagged) being put out with the laundry; all their personal business on display for intentional public humiliation. Not only is this extremely spiteful, it's really lame. If you can't talk about it in private - please don't talk about it on the internet. 

2. On the Rebound? Be Tactful.  
      There's nothing wrong with changing your Facebook status to "Single,"nothing wrong with posting pics of you and the girls on Ladies' Night looking fab. Where the line gets blurred is the females who start posting slutty pics and raunchy status posts to gain attention. Are you really going to find someone that respects you by doing all that? You end up looking desperate, and attracting all kind of internet creeps who'll pretend to like you just to get your coo cat. Save the pics for private use. 

Now is not the time to live out your "ratchet," tasteless fantasies in the club. Don't start making out with strangers, dry humping on the dance floor or getting pissy wasted so your homegirls have to drag you home. 

Casual sex with every guy you've ever liked is NEVER a good idea. Think about your reputation and your health. Last thing you want is a HOE title at the end of your name. 

3. Subliminals. Stop it. 
      Sending jabs to your ex on the sly is just wrong (see Rule #1). Especially if the people in your social network know who he/she is. There's nothing wrong with a song dedication or two, but when you're writing lovelorn crybaby posts all day - people are going to take you off their news feed. 

4. Take Time to Utilize Your Friends
   This is the reason you never abandon your homeys for a significant other. If it doesn't work out, you've always got your friends to vent to. Take a few days to go out with them, have fun living the single life. It may be hard at first, but if you've got other single friends there's plenty out there to do. Hell, if all your friends are taken, they've gotta have some single friends! 

5. Get to Know Yourself!
     Here is prime time to get familiar with who you are. Relationships often take our personalities and mold them with the personality of whoever we're with at the time. Especially if your relationship lasted for a year or more - there are certain routines and behaviors you've adapted. Time to get rid of those things and get back to yourself. Remember what makes you laugh, cry and annoyed. Build your confidence back up before you jump back out into the dating world. You owe it to yourself and the new person you may meet along the way. 

Last but not least:
6. Leave the Baggage at the Airport
    The Golden Rule of Dating is to never bring your pain from an old relationship into your new one. This breeds resentment towards your new partner, which is unfair for him/her. During your time alone, you're more than welcome to weed out the minor details that you could have changed. 

Did you contribute enough to groceries? Did you get a little lazy? Were you a nag? Chronic complainer? Things like that can be helpful to a new relationship, but major issues like cheating, death, abuse, family dislikes can seriously hinder you from finding something great. Just because your mother didn't like your last boyfriend doesn't mean this one shouldn't be introduced to her. Maybe she just knew he was a jerk. And since your ex girlfriend cheated with your whole basketball team - that doesn't mean the new girlfriend will. For all you know, this young lady may have been waiting for a man who would respect her body as well as her mind. Never ASSume. 

Coming from a chick who's been in that single rut before - I can spot a bitter woman or a hurt man from a mile away. Not too many people are trying to adopt the wounded animal from the shelter. Nothing wrong with a dog who limps, though - that's a sign of strength and endurance. Take what you've learned from your past and build a better future, don't wallow in your wounds. 

Take my rules and run with them - I promise you'll have a very productive Cuff Season! God speed my lovelies! 

Leaps of Faith...

The past few months have been crazy for me; leaving my job, starting my first legitimate website, school, studying for my new job. I've been so excited and afraid of what's to come. Of course, the curiosity in me always beats out the fear; I was the kid crying during the scary movie while peeking through parted fingers. Sometimes we've just gotta do it, and I've been pretty glad with the results. Life gets more interesting by the day.

I'll tell you the one thing I can't complain about is my love life. That's something I haven't been able to say for quite some time. It's nice to find someone on the same wavelength, who wants the same goals, who isn't full of sneak tactics and ulterior motives. I smile every day, just thinking about what I've experienced in dating and men in general. Luckily I didn't become bitter and jaded from it all, I was able to open up my chest plate one more time and let a little love fly out. So far, he hasn't steered me wrong. The key element it seems is always going to be communication. If you don't say what you want from day one, there's always wiggle room for foolishness. Not this time - nope. 

I'm a bit nervous about this new job thing, but I am very optimistic. The pay's better, I get to dress up for work every day - and weekends off!! Lord knows I haven't had that in years - pretty much ever. It's going to be a big help with everything I've got planned. Not to mention I'm falling deeper and deeper back in love with music - definitely gonna need some studio time. 

My new website!! It's doing better than I ever imagined, and I've got all my readers to thank for it. Hopefully soon we'll start hosting relevant advertisements so we can reach more people, but I couldn't be happier about how it's growing. A little over a month, and I've got 1300 views - with comments to boot! So much is coming up in regards to the site, I don't even know where to begin. Keep your eyes out for the big-haired, big glasses, big bootied perv at a college campus near you - that's all I'm gonna say :) 

With the downs come the ups, and I swear they keep me balanced. All the trials I go through build my character, and I'm getting stronger and stronger each day. I'm just so blessed to have great support systems behind me - there's really nothing I can't do at this point. Only God knows what the next adventure will bring.

Stay tuned... 

Happy Birthday, Bar...

                                             Sunny funeral day.


So today is his birthday. The pain has subsided over the course of two years - but the memories remain. His picture's still on top of my desk; watching over my room like a true guardian. I take it down from time to time, shake my head and say a prayer silently under my breath. I miss him. 

                                       His burial site... 


I miss his laugh, I miss the way his pigeon-toed feet would drag across the ground, slow and paced. I miss our walks to the park, talks about nothing. Basketball days in elementary school - my first boy crush. Who knew we'd become such good friends? Remember Anthony Smith? Lol. Wonder where that fool is now. Looking forward to seeing into him when I came home to visit. There was a point in time when I wasn't even allowed to talk to him. My ex wouldn't allow me to even walk down his block once he found out where he lived. It was a painful feeling, for sure. We'd walk past each other on the Avenue - secretly exchange waves. To miss out on a best friend like that hurts - and I regret allowing it to happen for so long. I could have been there that night when he was attacked. I could have helped him. It shouldn't have been that I was only allowed to see him because he was hurt and near death. It was an unfair situation. So many years wasted. Now I can only talk to him in my thoughts. 


Two years later - and my life has been totally changed. Partially because of losing him, partially because of the turbulent series of events that took place after. Uncle C. committing suicide sealed the deal. My world spiraled out of control from that point on - and I'm paying the consequences to this day. I won't blame him - it's not his fault they attacked him. I blame myself for being unable to cope. All I can do now is celebrate his life. 


Bar - if you're in that computer cafe in the sky reading this - just know that I love you. I love you for your calm demeanor, your ability to make light of any situation. I love you for being my friend through everything, respecting my decisions and understanding my choices. I love you for never forgetting me - even when you moved away and came back. I love you for letting me know that you loved me back - even while hooked up to machinery and iv's. When you squeezed my hand that day - you gave me hope. Hope that life can continue through whatever hard times we may face. I love you for being yourself. 

I will never forget you, my good friend. No one will. How could they? You were the last of a dying breed: loyal, caring and true friends. We need more people like you on this earth. I hope to keep you alive by remaining a good person, maybe rubbing off on someone else and perpetuating your spirit. Muhammad Bylik Etheridge - til we meet again... 

Check out my tribute tattoo here... 

{{Life}} In HD.

I've been playing with photography for a few months now. Nothing serious, but I realize the therapeutic properties it has. Focusing on angles, lighting, colors - it takes my mind off the things I'm trying not to think about. I've been compiling my pictures in a little folder, and I'm plotting on making a portfolio - just for my own pleasure. It'll be nice to look back on later in life.

Anywhoo - here's some of it so far. I've come a long way from my 6megapixel camera from years ago...














I think I'm gonna start throwing these up here every week. I take so many pictures and reject so many snapshots - I'm actually starting to get self-conscious when it comes to them. Maybe I'm getting too attached...

Sex, Love and Pain

Zune Says - Drake - Best I Ever Had

Feeling like I need to get off this sexual high-horse with a little ranting...

Not too many people know I lost my virginity at 12 years-old. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I'll spare the details, but I will admit that it shaped who I am, sexually and emotionally. Traumatizing experiences often leave us with certain stigmas, and to this day - I think I'm somewhat affected by what happened to me that day.

My question today is - how does sex (or the lack, thereof) affect us? Does it crowd your mind, or is it just an afterthought? Does it start your day - or does it end a lonely night? Do you even know what it is? |smile| To me, sex is art. It's beautiful when done correctly (and in incorrectly). The awkwardness of sex is sexy. Whether it's planned or impromptu, there's always some way to make it an experience. It took me a while to realize that, though. After my first time, I went through a phase where I wouldn't even look at guys. Don't get it twisted, I didn't look at girls, either - but I lost interest in everything males had to offer. It ruined my character, because I went from the bubbly girl who'd talk to anyone - to the passive chick who was always in the cut. I didn't have sex again for two years after that - and the second time was laughable at best - I still chuckle when I see him in my hood. Through that, I realized that sex isn't all people crack it up to be. All the fast girls glamorized it for nothing - right?

Well, not exactly - but it's not the Holy Grail. We don't need it to survive. I was afraid to be sexual when I was younger, because I didn't understand what it was, really. All I knew was something about a penis and a vagina, throw in some friction and screaming. Now as I get older, I've learned that there is so much that goes into having sex, and making love, and just plain ol' freakin. Cuz there's a strong difference.

There's always an emotional aspect to it, regardless of what people may say or think. Even simple jumpoffs spark some sort of emotional interest. I've never done a one-night stand thing, so I can't speak for the people who have. In that case, there's no opportunity for feelings. That's running off straight hormones and raw energy. I've evolved to the point where I now know sex can be used for a number of things -
Sleep aid (raise my hand)
Stress relief (here I am again)
Excercise (why not?)
Financial gain
Social status

Sometimes, what starts as simple sex flourishes into something more, and the benefit of that is - you already know what your partner likes. You get to skip the formalities and move straight into the relationship side of things. Other times, you end up with one of those - "I'm only calling so I can beat" type deals. If it's mutual, cool - if not - prepare for heartbreak. This typically happens to females, I probably know like one dude who was actually hurt by such an agreement.

We actually still have people who have never had sex. It's hard to believe, yes - but it's even harder to do nowadays. Everyone's out hunchin something, or someone - how do you manage to keep it in your pants? I was celibate for the whole 2007, so I know how hard it can be. Especially if you have a love interest - it's like being one dollar away from buying those Prada shoes you've been eyeing. Spend the dollar and have an empty wallet - but spend the dollar and have some fly ass shoes to show for it. Or, spend the dollar and be disappointed that the shoes weren't as great as they were in the window. I always reccomend saving your money. Sometimes, when we rush into things - we get more (or less) than we bargained for. Why trade in your virginity for something that may not be worth it? It's your one-time pass, you can't get it back after it's gone. I respect all the people I know who have managed to save themselves up to this far - and that's about a handful. I know how hard it is not to give in, cuz sometimes you're sitting there thinking - why am I not naked right now? Lol - when the opportunity presents itself in the right situation - you'll know. Take my word for it - you are saving yourself a great deal of stress without it. And building up your upper body strength with all that whacking off.

But - when you get that good "payowww" - you'll finally see what all the fuss is about.