I say this as I hold my electric breast pump and type at the same time.
All I hear from my friends and family is about how I'm going to be a great mom. But, how can I be - when I struggle to even provide the basic need of sustenance?
You see, I started having problems with the baby latching on from the first week she was born. I was discharged from the hospital and went home to fend for myself - for the both of us, without the assistance of nurses. Due to the unexpected events of my childbirth, I was dead set in my mind on strictly breast feeding for at least six months. God had other plans, however. After the first few days of Baby A sucking the life out of them, my nipples became sore and cracked. I couldn't take the pain any longer, so I was forced to send Hubby out at 2am for formula.
I was devastated.
While my nipples were relieved, I felt like a complete failure. I have heard of women having so many issues with lactation, but I hoped it missed me. I had this notion that my ample breasts wouldn't have any trouble feeding a tiny little baby every day. WRONG. The baby wasn't latching properly, therefore not receiving as much food as she should have been. I then realized that I'd have to supplement my breast milk with formula. Great.
I was determined not to give up. I packed up the baby and drove to my nearest WIC office - where I know a lactation consultant is available - free of charge. I had no idea I'd be in her office, breasts out with a naked baby - practicing skin to skin. An hour later, I walked out feeling like a champ. She was so reassuring and patient, and told me not to give up. I went home with the resolve that I could do it.
These days are hit or miss. Most times she gets on with success, other times she fights me off or is too frustrated to stay on. It has saddened me on more than one occasion to the point of tears. Hubby has reassured me that I'm doing a good job, but in the back of my mind I feel horrible. Why can't I perfect this?
I've been back at work for almost two weeks, and it hurt me to have to leave my baby at almost four weeks old to go back. She's in safe hands with family, but I wanted the time to bond with her and watch her grow. Now I'm forced to pump at work, just to keep my milk in existence. I went to my secret location and found someone already there, pumping milk like me! It motivated me to want to keep going, and eventually wean her off the formula completely.
My former boss gave me a great book that really helped me keep my sanity. "The Nursing Mother's Companion" basically walks you through all the potential scenarios that can happen while nursing. It has detailed drawings of how to get baby to latch on, which saved me. I will never give mine away, but I wanted to share the love.
It's not perfect yet, but we're getting there. Sometimes she pulls herself off then gets mad because she's not eating. Both of us are learning a lesson in patience. Sometimes (especially at night) I feel like giving up, then I look into those little grey eyes and remember that this is what I'm here for...
