Today, I am letting go.
I have spent the past two sleepless weeks crying and worrying about what I didn't get to do or say. I realize now, that I will never have the tangible things I have hoped for - but I can still move forward. The other night, the most haunting thing happened to me.
I was sitting in my bed, crying for the twelfth night straight, and I decided to talk to him. I closed my eyes and started in my head. I told him how I felt - about everything. I recounted memories, conversations - everything.
The tears came rushing out like a steady stream, but I felt so relieved. I lay down, still crying - back to the wall, and I felt someone sit next to me on the bed. I thought it was Louis, and I turned to say something - but when I reached out to touch him - no one was there. My heart stopped.
I kid you not, I could hear the hinges lock on my bed and everything. I know he visited me that night.
Maybe he wanted closure as much as I did. I went downstairs and slept next to Louis, but I continued my monologue with him. I think it served its purpose.
At the funeral today, I touched him for the last time. It hurt so much to know I'd never hear him laugh at me again, never squint at me and say, "What do you meeean? I got this!" I can only wait until the afterlife.
Sarah McLaughlin said, "Weep not for memories," and she's right. We had some excellent times together. I smoked my first (and last) blunt with him, he laughed as I choked, "Did you inhale?" I played hide-and-seek with his little sister, and stood outside with him in the rain. I'll never forget those things.
And now I let go of his physical body - but I will forever hold on to his spirit.
Muhammad Bylik Etheridge - I love you. Rest In Peace."
I read all of that - without one - single - tear. I am proud of myself.
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