Candid Thoughts...
This is the way I feel. I have encountered quite a few life experiences that have shaken me in ways I cannot describe. My best defense for this is to keep my emotions to myself, and block out what I can - until I can't withstand anymore. I battle with this from time to time, because in my quest to be the best person I can be, I fear that I will become jaded. As I journey through life - I realize that there aren't too many people in this world who actually care about my personal well being. There are a certain few that I can count on, this I know for sure. I have put far too much faith in mankind in my 24 years on this earth, and I have begun to fear that no good people exist. This is a feeling I dread.
I doubt myself from time to time. Simply because quite a few of my theories have been proven incorrect. Today I was called naive. I believe that now.
I'd like to hope that one day I'll be perfect. But for now, I'm not. I misjudge people from time to time, no matter how well I keep my guard up.
My problem is, I just don't give up. On people, on ideas, on plans, on life. I find the bright side and I do my best to stand in the light. No matter how traumatizing, how horrendous. How painful. And boy, does it hurt. My heart is aching something serious right now. Today I woke up wishing that I didn't. I don't know where to channel my energy anymore. I've even lost the desire to eat. This is a place I've visited once before, and I can't afford to go there again. I am an adult; I have a life to lead.
My coping mechanism is making other people happy. I live to see my loved ones smile. Even that just isn't working. These past couple days have been torture for me, and I feel myself sinking further and further as the hours pass. I really don't know what else to do.
I appreciate you guys for being my sounding board. The silence really helps my healing. It's hard to cry when you know there's so many people waiting for your smile...
I can't afford to fall apart.
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