So, I just returned from my quick escape - my room looks crazy, and I really should be doing things like cleaning it up, but I've got too much on my mind. I've got my space heater on blast, an oversized t-shirt and leggings on - and yes, I pulled out my leg warmers and toesie socks. I'm prepared for the cold winter - at least physically...
Anyway - as we all know, I am single. I've been verbally single for almost a year, formally for a few months now. I have learned to cope with the pains of being alone, but at some point in this journey - I realized I don't have to be. And I guess this is where He comes in to the equation.
I don't really talk about my love life - and as of late, it's primarily because I didn't have one. Lately, though - I find myself drawn to someone who I was previously banned from even acknowledging. One day I got a mysterious text, and it was history from then on. I can't lie - it feels good.
I will refer to him as He. Simply because as candid as I'd like to be - let's face it, this is still the internet. I can honestly say I love him. He is a great friend, an incredible person to be around - and some other stuff that I'll keep to myself. I laugh so much when I'm around him, that when it's time for me to say goodbye, I end up feeling like crap. He loves the same things I love, he does similar things that I do - He gets me. I don't have to worry about being another person around him (not that I try), because I know He takes me as I am.
{{Tangent}} Ugh. This is sooo difficult! There's so many thing I want to say, but I always fear reprocussion - because I know there are eyes on me. All the time. I can't hide from them. And one of these days - I'm going to just let it all out - no matter the consequence.
Anyway - I feel at ease when He's around. I just appreciate his presence. Every time I travel back home, I know I'm going to see him - and it just makes everything worthwhile. The flight anxiety, the weather - everything - it's all worth it. With guys that try and "court" me, I always worry about the ulterior motives they harbor. Who wants what, who thinks they're getting what -how much money they think they can try and get out of me. I don't worry about that - because he's the one who extends himself for me. I know he'll go that extra mile, because he's done it before, and I'm sure he'll do it again. I find comfort in that.
The problem is - I spent so much time trying to stay away from him, I find myself not knowing how to handle this newfound "freedom". Being able to call him, speak to him - see him - it's all happening so quickly. These past few months have been whirlwind, and I worry that it's gonna fizzle out and lose its momentum. Don't get me wrong - I'm hardly looking for a boyfriend, but "cuffing" season is here, and it would suck real bad if I was the only one without a partner, lol. I refuse to go down like that.
I think he knows how I feel. We've been harboring feelings since high school, for Pete's sake. But I don't know if he understands how intense this is for me. I've been tied up in a relationship for pretty much all of my pubescent/young adult life - I hardly know another man. So, that being said - I hope he understands how fragile the human heart can be. The apprehension in me wonders if what he says is all words - but the human in me sees the way he looks at me when he thinks I'm not paying attention, the way he holds my hand - the way he hugs me. I can't help but believe the feelings are mutual. Sometimes it feels like a dream. Something that was never supposed to come true. Which is why I hope I don't wake up to some sort of emotional nightmare. My romantic year has been horrible up to now. He is my escape.
It's funny, he's not tech savvy - so he'll probably never read this. But then again, it'll probably be my luck if he does. Either way - the cat is out of the bag. Kimi has been cuffed. All others need not apply. Thankyouhaveagoodday.
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