Sometimes you can't fight what nature has intended for you...
At times, when I go without sleep for too long - my body breaks down. It doesn't happen much often nowadays, especially since I've been back in the gym lately. When it does - it's bad. It's usually a sign that I need to slow down and cool out. The challenge is to figure out what is causing me stress, and then find a way to fix it.
It started this afternoon at work, and I found myself bucking (falling asleep and rapidly waking up) while I was checking out customers. They, of course, don't notice - because I'm still moving and functioning (just not talking). I started feeling real sluggish and lethargic, and even the energy drink I wolfed down was only a temporary fix.
Michael and I literally just left the movie Avatar - and the 3D effects had my eyes on a rampage. I left the movie feeling shaky at best, but well enough to drive myself home. On the way, though - everything came crashing down.
You know music is my lifeline - and sometimes my Zune seems entwined in my circuitry; like it knows what I'm thinking and feeling. Alicia Keys - "Samsonite Man" started playing on my way home, and as I sang along - my body decided it deserved a good cry. I felt the tears coming, and as the songs changed, Chris Brown and Keri Hilson - "Superhuman" started to play. I kept singing to keep myself calm, but the water in my eyes was clouding my vision, and I'm positive God drove me home, because I was out of it. "Breakdown" by Mariah Carey played next - and obviously this had to be my Zune poking fun at me. I had to laugh, because every song was a piece of emotion that was flowing through my veins. "Pretty Wings?" Really?
And I realize what the problem is. I refuse to be content with being alone. I have been spoiled and pampered for eight years, and it's hard for me to settle for anything less. Spoiled in the sense that I had someone to sleep with at night, someone to talk to me when I felt restless, someone to bring me flowers and tell me they love me. I've lost that luxury - and even though it's for the betterment of our lives, it hurts like hell. It hurts to know that I am out of my comfort zone, and I don't know how to handle it.
While I found myself a distraction - he is far from ideal when it comes to full attention. I am respected and treated well, but I'm also not too young to know and understand the dynamics of "The Game." I know I'm not alone. Come on, he's what most girls want in their lives. Excitement, good looks, cash flow - why would I honestly think I could keep that to myself? Especially considering that I've known him for years - I know more than he thinks I do about his past life. I would never kid myself like that. That would be naive and dumb. And I am neither of the two. That doesn't make it hurt any less. I am a seriously emotional creature - I just happen to have a shield of steel covering my soul - and I refuse to let anyone penetrate that shield and make me vulnerable. No matter how bad I want to give in.
Oddly enough, as I turned into my driveway, The Fray - "You Found Me" started playing. This - my friends, is a direct sign that God is paying attention. He knows what is going on in my world, and he's telling me that he's here. I need to give him the same amount of attention he has been showing me, and I truly think that my situations and circumstances will improve. There's no other fact but that. I need to get it together.
With that said, I am no longer chasing my Samsonite Man. If he shows up, that's a bonus for me - if he doesn't - I will survive. I've never had to put all my energy into pursuing a love interest, and I refuse to start now. I know feelings are there, but I also know he's no one-trick pony. I won't be gamed. Not again.
Now, let's see what song plays next...
The Fray - "Heartless" (Kanye West Cover)
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