The InsomnioPhiles = Late Night Blogging - "Tank"

It's 2:30 am - and I'm still awake...


Tank - "Lost In You"


I discovered Tank in what - seventh or eighth grade? The "Maybe I Deserve" video had just come out, and he was on the floor - shirtless and sexy. Seventh grade was the time where I had just started with the sexual feelings and intrigue. When I saw him, it was like - damn. He was beautiful; a chocolate Adonis with a deep, rich baritone - I was awestruck. Granted, the video wasn't as great as it could be, but he was an emerging artist, so I expected nothing but a cheap attempt at artistic expression. Regardless, he had me hooked, I wanted more. My best friend at the time thought he was horrible. Told me he couldn't sing, how wack he was. "He's not even that cute." 


Are you serious? I mean, look at him! 

Almond eyes, chiseled body - lips to die for - how can you deny this man?

Anyway - I went out and bought the "Forces of Nature" CD, and I played it until it burned out. "Kill 4 U," "Don't Wanna Be Lovin' You," I loved every track. I'd lay on my stomach in my bed and daydream after school to this album. I'd sing along like I wrote the songs when no one was home. My mom would come home from work, open my room door and say, "Are you listening to that Tank CD again?" 

I just couldn't stop.

His voice made me all tingly inside. The passion in his notes made me want to know what love felt like. "Kill 4 You" made me wonder what it was like to be stalked, or to love someone so passionately that you'd do anything for them. Oddly enough - I got my wish. My best friend would roll her eyes at me when she heard the CD on repeat. "One Man" was loaded with hits as well, and "Sex, Love and Pain" had great ballads. 

Eff it - I'm making a Tank station on Pandora. Right now.

Yeah. That's more like it...

As I sit here listening to "Unpredictable," I wonder who Pandora's gonna play on this station. There's no one out there like Tank. His voice is profound, distinct, unmistakable. Probably a little Jamie Foxx. I loved Jamie's album primarily because Tank did so many of the background vocals, as well as writing and production. I sat for years wondering when he was coming back out with new music. I always feel, just like Ne-Yo - that Tank was saving his favorite songs for himself. So far, he hasn't disappointed.

I downloaded a few tracks from this year, and I am back in love with this man again. "I Can't Wait" is a favorite of mine right now.

((Tangent: They're playing Trey Songz. Good - but still not comparable.)) 

Anyway - I have officially deemed Tank my favorite R&B singer (sorry Sisqo). His voice is beefy. He's not afraid to sing like a man, but explores falsetto and vibrato with such passion and fire. I can't help but feel tingly again. Now that I've experienced love and love lost - his songs mean so much more to me now. It's like I'm discovering him for the first time again. And it feels so good. 

The video that started my infatuation... 

I wonder what my friend would say about him now.

Heartache: The Gift That Keeps On Giving...

Lauryn Hill - "Tell Him"
"Tell him that I love him - and it'll be alright..." 


So, after the wonderful day I had yesterday, Grandma's out of the hospital, secured our apartment for next month - I get a text at 2am saying "I love you." From L. 


I wrote back this morning, told him that I love him, too. Then he texts me back, "Damn, I must have really lost you - because I never got a reply." 


Here we go. 


> Insert fifteen minute back and forth about texting. < Change the subject - we talk about me getting my apartment, and although it's a bit early, I told him he could visit when he's ready. 


"I want you back. I feel incomplete without you :("


Oh dear.


I had to tell him. We can't do this. We can't keep on with the back and forth of breaking up and making up. It took a huge strain on my heart, my life - my world. I stress that I'm a very emotional and romantic creature, and when those things get disrupted - they affect my life more than anything else. I could lose everything - and be happy as long as I have love in my life. I got tired of questioning the degrees of our love. I got tired of, arguing about petty things, being angry for days, then forgetting what we were mad about. Those are the formalities of love, but after a while they just get boring, aggravating, frustrating! Crying once a week is not healthy for me. I'm used to being happy - and for the last year or so in our relationship - I wasn't. When you're the backbone of a relationship - you have to be strong and stable, or else the foundation falls apart. That's exactly what happened to us. 


I say heartache keeps on giving - because as I said before, "While you're spending time longing for that special person - someone, somewhere - is longing for you." I'm here pining for my He, and L is back home thinking about me. I wonder how he feels. I wonder if he cries at night thinking about me. Or I wonder if he's imagining that those girls he's been dealing with were me.


 They'll never be me. 


There's no replacement for your first love, of course. But when does the time come that we move on, that we try to experience love elsewhere - to see where we're supposed to be? I'm not sure what I'm doing in that realm right now, but his desire to get back is not helping me progress. He needs time to grow up, and I need time to heal. And if God and the stars decide that we should cross paths romantically - then it will be. Until then, I'll be here - with my broken heart and my sewing kit. Trying to put the pieces back together. 


He should try doing the same. 

Trey Songz - Does She Know...

It's been playing in my head since this started. If I could put my feelings into words - this would be it...




She my distant lover, so far away
 dream of her, since that day 
distant lover so far away
 i wish i could bring her here to me 
distant lover so far away 
girl you so far away - hey 
my distant lover
 i wish i could bring you here to me


Does she know, what she did - turned my heart into flames
 from that one time that she looked my way  
does she know, that sexy walk - still on my brain 
and i think, that i cant i cant (i can't)

I can't take no more, i wanna be lovin you - been in love with you
 since the day you came and you turned away 
you never leave my brain
 i can't take no more i wanna be lovin you been in love with you 
since the day you came and you turned away 
you never leave my brain 

It's like i can't get you off my brain.
And i don't want to.

Does she know, what she did
i walk around smelling her scent, wanting her lips 
and everytime i lay down - go to sleep it is you, that i see
 wish you'd come to me
 cuz ur still on my brain 
i just can't i just can't 

I can't take no more, i wanna be lovin you - been in love with you

 since the day you came and you turned away 

you never leave my brain

 i can't take no more i wanna be lovin you been in love with you 

since the day you came and you turned away 

you never leave my brain 

Enough Said. 

Letter To You...

Jill Scott - "Insomnia"
Dear You,


Sweet you. When I think about you, I want to cry. I get so sad when you're far - to the point where I just want to let you go. But then you come around, and your smile, your laugh, your touch - it hypnotizes me. I can't explain how you make me feel. I just want to be close to you, watch you sleep at night - hear you snore. I find comfort in your arms, I feel safe - secure. The sun rises and you're still there - in your beautiful, caramel glory. I can't help but enjoy every moment. I've never met a man that could draw me in this way.


Then the sun stops shining, and reality hovers over this ordeal like a dark cloud. And I realize that the grass that's greener is behind a barbed wire fence. I can't climb it, all I can do is gaze through it, longing for the thing I can't have. You're like the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow - and we all know rainbows never end. So I run, and run, and run - hoping that the arch will bring me somewhere that I can claim my reward. With no luck. You remain the coveted prize. 


But like that beta fish with the mirror in front of it - I know the brutal truth, yet I keep going after you. I keep bumping into that glass, only to bounce back and see my reflection. And I can't explain why. 

What else can I say? 

I just can't. 

Sky High - Heaven at Night

"It feels like you're a million miles away, as you're lying here with me tonight..." - Rihanna 

So, on the flight home - I managed to snap a few pics between daydreaming and fantasizing, as I'm usually doing. Something about the glare of the street lights make it more difficult to capture - even from thousands of miles in the air...

I sat back in my seat and thought to myself: 


What am I doing with my world? 


I think I'm making pretty good progress in life; 22 years old, hard working student making moves towards her career. I've been networking and meeting so many people over the past few years that will come in handy in my future. 
Pretty soon, I'll be living on my own - experiencing the adventures that adult life has to bring. I've made major strides as far as where I used to be, and the longer I stare forward, the more blessings I see in my windshield. 


Just gotta keep on driving. 


Sometimes when we're faced with obstacles, it makes us discouraged and less likely to follow through with our goals. Somehow, I've managed to stay positive and motivated to go for what I want. I just want to be happy, honestly. I just want to be in a comfortable position to do the things I enjoy, and bring my family to a financial level that will please everyone. I refuse to be stagnant and just stay where I am. 


There's so many ideas and plans floating in my head - it's crazy!! I guess I'll start talking about them soon, but I've got to put a few things into place before I can even speak on them. The rest of this year is gonna be crazy, that's all I know. And I'm excited to see what comes next. 


Now all I need to do is get these things under control - so I can start working on my love life. Cuz jeeze, it is a whirlwind of confusion right now. Guess we'll discuss that later, too... 


Stay sky high - folks! The further we fly, the more we'll realize that limits don't exist. 

Sky High...

So, I hit up NY this weekend - for a little quality time with my friends and family. Granted, some people were acting a little funny style - but I had an excellent time regardless. 


"Have you ever been to heaven at night?" - Kid Cudi


I've got a growing fascination with the sun, sky and clouds nowadays - and this trip gave me an opportunity to gaze into these elements with detail. For the first time in a while, I actually stared out the window for most of my flight - the natural world is truly a marvel. 

34,000 feet in the air...

It really seems like you could lay down on a cloud from up here...

Looking Down: Those are cities covered in snow that we're looking at. It was like a maze from 15,000 feet in the air.

The beauty of Planet Earth. 

Frost forming on the window... 

Little ol' me - in the midst of it all... 

Coming into NY...

When you're up so high, looking down at how tiny the world truly is - it's easy to throw things into perspective. Our problems on this earth are so minuscule in the grand scheme of things. A bad hair day? A rough breakup? Look around - and you'll see that there's so much more than you on this planet. There are things of beauty that mankind hasn't even discovered yet - and we worry about what to wear and who to hang out with. 

We've got to realize that life is only half of our journey. I'm slowly coming to understand the dynamics of things as I progress through this world, and while life might be hard at times - it can only get better.

One thing I definitely learned while gazing out the window - no matter how big and important a person can be in life - there is always someone, somewhere in the world - that has no idea that you exist. A humbling epiphany from the clouds... 

Art Imitates Life

A few months ago, I made this piece for my good friend, Michael. If there's anyone I know who will appreciate what I make for them - it's Michael. I've made items; pieces of jewelry, clothes, accessories for people - never to see them again, and as an artist - that hurts. 

This one was an attempt at capturing the mood of the moment; feelings of frustration, sadness, impatience, etcetera. Sometimes in life - when we feel like things are going so well, we find that the "world" seems to be pushing against our happiness - and vice versa. As fragile as the human heart is - there are few things that we can truly rely on to protect us from emotional harm. One of those things is faith. 

 

I've been experimenting with different mediums. Just looking at paint gets boring after a while. I like the way this one came out. I think he liked it, too. 

As soon as our apartment is set up next month, I'll be making a workspace so I can kill myself with chemicals in the privacy of my own domecile. Right now it's hard for me to really get into my art, because I constantly have to clean up my tools and put things away. Nobody can work like that. 

New piece coming soon - still working on the canvas...

That's the Way Love Goes

So, I find myself with love pains again. I guess it's because this is my first Valentine's alone. I've been trying not to obsess over it, but I'm a romantic creature - I'm used to love being in my world at all times. Even in our rockiest stages, I could guarantee that he'd be there to hug me, to rub my feet after work - to tell me he thinks I'm beautiful (in my sweatpants and headscarf). Coming home to an empty bed every night hurts - it really does. I don't think I've felt this kind of heartache ever. 

And I've had my distraction - and it was nice in the beginning - but for me, the honeymoons over. It's not even about titles, it's about the fact that he can't devote his time to just me. I knew that when I let him back in my world - and I brought him into my atmosphere anyway. Initially, it wasn't a problem, but as I fall deeper into this black hole with no name - I can't help but feel that pang of uncertainty. He's everything I want. That's the part that kills me the most. I've tried other distractions; I made the mistake of trying to deal with a co-worker, that was a huge mistake. I tried making something out of a friend - only to realize that really wasn't a path I needed to be going down. And then he came into my life again - it was like everything from our past didn't matter. He was now new and interesting - a lot changes over the span of five years, but then again- a lot stays the same. Knowing this, I shot forward anyway. 

Now I'm floating in this space that seems to have no ceiling. Every time I float high enough to enjoy the lack of gravity, I drift back down and touch the floor. That moment of clarity makes me angry - but he brings me back to a point where I render all of that irrelevant. And it happens again, and again, and again. Unbeknownst to him - of course. Because I enjoy him so much, I don't want to rattle the atmosphere. The time will come, though - where I will grow weary of this space travel, and I'll have to say something. Just like times before - and I'll push him into the vortex that made him disappear the first time.

I just wonder why I can't find someone ideal. He's handsome, athletic, goal oriented, polite, a gentleman, smart, reliable, responsible - all with a small amount of character flaws. Why can't I find that in someone else? Someone readily available to be a part of my world? That's the part that burns me inside. I let him go, and the enjoyment that's been making me laugh and smile for the past six months is gone. Then what? I've got to associate myself with the sub-par males that live in this state? I just can't bring myself to do it. I might just end up floating in this galaxy alone for a while. I just can't spend my life waiting for him. I won't. I deserve to come home to a warm hug, a nice kiss and a smile. I deserve everything I want.

I've been listening to slow jams all week. Lover's rock and neo-soul. All it does is make me emotional. But it's all I know.

((As I speak, Bob Marley's "Waiting In Vain" starts to play. My favorite Bob song. Makes me cry every time.))

1, 2, 3:

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love.
From the very first time I blessed my eyes on you, girl,
My heart says follow t'rough.
But I know, now, that I'm way down on your line,
But the waitin' feel is fine:
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string,
'Cause I know I have to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb;
I wanna know when you're gonna come - soon.
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause if summer is here,
I'm still waiting there;
Winter is here,
And I'm still waiting there.
---
/Guitar solo/
---
Like I said:
It's been three years since I'm knockin' on your door,
And I still can knock some more:
Ooh girl, ooh girl, is it feasible?
I wanna know now, for I to knock some more.
Ya see, in life I know there's lots of grief,
But your love is my relief:
Tears in my eyes burn - tears in my eyes burn
While I'm waiting - while I'm waiting for my turn,
See!

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love, oh!
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna wait in vain.
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna wait in vain.
No, I don't wanna (I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain) -
No I - no I (I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't
wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain) -
No, no-no, I, no, I (I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain) -
It's your love that I'm waiting on (I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain);
It's me love that you're running from.
It's Jah love that I'm waiting on (I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain);
It's me love that you're running from.

{{Airport Blogging}} - Sky High...

So, once again - I'm on my way to New York. I find myself getting homesick more often nowadays. I think a part of the reason is because it's what I know. I work so hard at the things I do around here, and for some reason - I still don't feel like I'm getting what I deserve. This school hustle is crazy, and working doesn't make it any easier, throw in the trying to move out - and it's all a hodgepodge of emotions. I guess, I'm just tired. Going home gives me a second to relax and unclench my buttcheeks. Granted, I find myself babysitting and running errands when I get there, but these are things that I'm born to do - things that I enjoy. 

As I watch the other people board our flight - I wonder what they do in the world. What their purposes are, how they travel through life. I've got one dude staring at me as he eats his sandwich with his mouth open - I'm curious to know his profession. Is he coming, or going? I guess I'll make it up in my head, as I watch his lettuce and tomato digest in his esophagus. He is grossing me out. Never mind. 

The two Jewish ladies sitting across from me at the gate. What are their lives like? They're speaking in English instead of Yiddish - how long have they been here? What's up with the lady reading over my shoulder? Hi!! Lol - I wonder where she's headed. Maybe she'll tell me after she reads this sentence. Oh, wait - she looked away. Never mind. 

My world is semi-crazy, but I make it this way. It's the actions that we partake in on a daily basis that shape the orbit of our "planets." There's this cute, brown-skinned lady sitting diagonal from me. I think she's white, but she's got the meanest tan - her boots are sick! I wonder where she's going, or coming from. Fresh French Manicure, hair styled perfectly - her life looks interesting. Is it? There's a little girl sitting in the basket under her baby sibling in a stroller. I'm curious to know what she wants to be in the future. When do we start shaping our destinies? Is it at age four? or Twenty two? 

Time to board -see you in NY!

I'm on my way back to Florida now - and the same question remains. Yesterday, BestFriend Shorty and I were watching Tyra, and her episode was based on visually stereotyping people. She had people of different ethnic groups, styles and cultures stand in front of a two-way mirror. Then, she had a group of people she called "Judgers" write on a projector (that projected their words onto the screen behind the person) phrases that came to mind as they looked at the person. The words that the people expressed were shockingly ignorant. I couldn't believe in this day and age, that people close to my age still thought so negatively about people who look different from them. 

This is the reason I people watch when I'm in the airport. You can get to know a lot about a person by watching them in an open, candid environment. I have a huge fascination with Orthodox Jewish culture, so I'm automatically drawn to watch them when they're near me. I'm interested in knowing why they do things they do, certain practices and ideas. Since I know none - the next best thing I can do is watch one. I had the honor of sitting near a Jewish kid my age on a flight  not too long ago, and I managed to pick his brain about a few things. A lot of the perceptions and preconceived notions that we have about people are simply and sinfully false. We should not gauge people's characters by their appearance - because it says nothing about who they truly are.

I also people watch because it helps boost my imagination. I can make up so many stories about the people I encounter in the airport.

OOp - time to board. Be back in a jiffy.

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Did you ever go skinny dipping in the complex pool?

In the building back in NY? Nah, lol - that pool broke before I had real boobs. At my house now, yes. You lucky this is anonymous! lol

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