Heartache: The Gift That Keeps On Giving...

Lauryn Hill - "Tell Him"
"Tell him that I love him - and it'll be alright..." 


So, after the wonderful day I had yesterday, Grandma's out of the hospital, secured our apartment for next month - I get a text at 2am saying "I love you." From L. 


I wrote back this morning, told him that I love him, too. Then he texts me back, "Damn, I must have really lost you - because I never got a reply." 


Here we go. 


> Insert fifteen minute back and forth about texting. < Change the subject - we talk about me getting my apartment, and although it's a bit early, I told him he could visit when he's ready. 


"I want you back. I feel incomplete without you :("


Oh dear.


I had to tell him. We can't do this. We can't keep on with the back and forth of breaking up and making up. It took a huge strain on my heart, my life - my world. I stress that I'm a very emotional and romantic creature, and when those things get disrupted - they affect my life more than anything else. I could lose everything - and be happy as long as I have love in my life. I got tired of questioning the degrees of our love. I got tired of, arguing about petty things, being angry for days, then forgetting what we were mad about. Those are the formalities of love, but after a while they just get boring, aggravating, frustrating! Crying once a week is not healthy for me. I'm used to being happy - and for the last year or so in our relationship - I wasn't. When you're the backbone of a relationship - you have to be strong and stable, or else the foundation falls apart. That's exactly what happened to us. 


I say heartache keeps on giving - because as I said before, "While you're spending time longing for that special person - someone, somewhere - is longing for you." I'm here pining for my He, and L is back home thinking about me. I wonder how he feels. I wonder if he cries at night thinking about me. Or I wonder if he's imagining that those girls he's been dealing with were me.


 They'll never be me. 


There's no replacement for your first love, of course. But when does the time come that we move on, that we try to experience love elsewhere - to see where we're supposed to be? I'm not sure what I'm doing in that realm right now, but his desire to get back is not helping me progress. He needs time to grow up, and I need time to heal. And if God and the stars decide that we should cross paths romantically - then it will be. Until then, I'll be here - with my broken heart and my sewing kit. Trying to put the pieces back together. 


He should try doing the same.