That's the Way Love Goes

So, I find myself with love pains again. I guess it's because this is my first Valentine's alone. I've been trying not to obsess over it, but I'm a romantic creature - I'm used to love being in my world at all times. Even in our rockiest stages, I could guarantee that he'd be there to hug me, to rub my feet after work - to tell me he thinks I'm beautiful (in my sweatpants and headscarf). Coming home to an empty bed every night hurts - it really does. I don't think I've felt this kind of heartache ever. 

And I've had my distraction - and it was nice in the beginning - but for me, the honeymoons over. It's not even about titles, it's about the fact that he can't devote his time to just me. I knew that when I let him back in my world - and I brought him into my atmosphere anyway. Initially, it wasn't a problem, but as I fall deeper into this black hole with no name - I can't help but feel that pang of uncertainty. He's everything I want. That's the part that kills me the most. I've tried other distractions; I made the mistake of trying to deal with a co-worker, that was a huge mistake. I tried making something out of a friend - only to realize that really wasn't a path I needed to be going down. And then he came into my life again - it was like everything from our past didn't matter. He was now new and interesting - a lot changes over the span of five years, but then again- a lot stays the same. Knowing this, I shot forward anyway. 

Now I'm floating in this space that seems to have no ceiling. Every time I float high enough to enjoy the lack of gravity, I drift back down and touch the floor. That moment of clarity makes me angry - but he brings me back to a point where I render all of that irrelevant. And it happens again, and again, and again. Unbeknownst to him - of course. Because I enjoy him so much, I don't want to rattle the atmosphere. The time will come, though - where I will grow weary of this space travel, and I'll have to say something. Just like times before - and I'll push him into the vortex that made him disappear the first time.

I just wonder why I can't find someone ideal. He's handsome, athletic, goal oriented, polite, a gentleman, smart, reliable, responsible - all with a small amount of character flaws. Why can't I find that in someone else? Someone readily available to be a part of my world? That's the part that burns me inside. I let him go, and the enjoyment that's been making me laugh and smile for the past six months is gone. Then what? I've got to associate myself with the sub-par males that live in this state? I just can't bring myself to do it. I might just end up floating in this galaxy alone for a while. I just can't spend my life waiting for him. I won't. I deserve to come home to a warm hug, a nice kiss and a smile. I deserve everything I want.

I've been listening to slow jams all week. Lover's rock and neo-soul. All it does is make me emotional. But it's all I know.

((As I speak, Bob Marley's "Waiting In Vain" starts to play. My favorite Bob song. Makes me cry every time.))

1, 2, 3:

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love.
From the very first time I blessed my eyes on you, girl,
My heart says follow t'rough.
But I know, now, that I'm way down on your line,
But the waitin' feel is fine:
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string,
'Cause I know I have to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb;
I wanna know when you're gonna come - soon.
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause if summer is here,
I'm still waiting there;
Winter is here,
And I'm still waiting there.
---
/Guitar solo/
---
Like I said:
It's been three years since I'm knockin' on your door,
And I still can knock some more:
Ooh girl, ooh girl, is it feasible?
I wanna know now, for I to knock some more.
Ya see, in life I know there's lots of grief,
But your love is my relief:
Tears in my eyes burn - tears in my eyes burn
While I'm waiting - while I'm waiting for my turn,
See!

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love, oh!
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna wait in vain.
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna wait in vain.
No, I don't wanna (I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain) -
No I - no I (I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't
wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain) -
No, no-no, I, no, I (I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain) -
It's your love that I'm waiting on (I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain);
It's me love that you're running from.
It's Jah love that I'm waiting on (I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain);
It's me love that you're running from.