Make It Alright...

I am typing, lol 

I realized today that I have a complex.  


I am afraid of love. 


It's strange, because I embrace it so much - but there's something deep inside of me that fears it immensely. As much as I'd like to find the words to explain it, I don't know if I can.


I've been surrounded by love all my life. My parents have been married since before I was born, and even though they're going through their things - they still treat each other with love and respect - despite it all. My grandparents were married for centuries. I was one of the few kids I knew who had parents who were still together - much less married!


Okay, so I'm not afraid of love - I'm scared of being in love. 


Because I thought I had that before, and it was all a part of this superficial vortex that I was sucked into. The shiny things, the trips, the pacifiers. After a while, it all gets old - and when they all faded away all that was left was  - nothing.  I don't want to feel that again. The things that I've gone through over the past few years alarmed me - and woke me up to the reality I existed in. I had to escape. Regroup. Be alone. Until. Him... 


So - what happens now? 


I sit in purgatory. Not sure whether to go all in, or retreat. I feel like it's right, but sometimes, life is all about timing... 

See? I really don't have all the answers, lol