Moral Dilemma

So - it's been a year since Bar was murdered. It still stings me to this day. I mean, it's fresh still - you know? I wake up in the morning and look at his picture every day. I still have the rose from his gravesite - dried and wilted as it is - right over my dresser. I woke up, in the middle of the night not too long ago. Crying, hysterically. I couldn't figure out why. When I got up that morning - I realized it was the anniversary of his death.

It's like my body just knows, like it remembers the phone call - "Yo, Bar passed away this morning." As if my brain has programmed the tears to fall from my eyes like clockwork. I don't know when I'll ever really accept that he's gone. I still, to this day - IM his screen name sometimes when I can't sleep. Cuz it's still signed on - as if he's waiting for a message from me. I still have my &hearts ME Kidrobot Dunny on my dashboard - the small vinyl toy emblazoned with his initials. I loved that man. He was a good friend to me.

With that being said - I logged into Facebook the other day, and found that I had one single, solitary friend request. And it's her. The girl responsible for his attack. The girl ultimately responsible for his untimely and gruesome death.

Seriously?

Did she really think it was appropriate for her to contact me? To try and get into my world? Does she understand what she has done to ruin it? Probably not. She knows I was friends with Bar - but she may not have known to what extent. She may not have known that I have been in love with that gentleman since sixth grade. She may not have known that he was one of the best friends I've ever had in my life. She may not understand that I told him I loved him a few days before he was attacked. She doesn't get it.


But I'm gonna make sure she does.

I'm writing her a message right now. I'm formulating it so it's worded properly. It will sting. It will hurt her. She will never feel the pain that I feel when I wake up and know I'm not gonna get a phone call from him. She will never understand the hurt I experience when I think about that sly little smile, the sunsets on the porch that I will never get again. Her tears will never be equal to mine.

But I'll make sure she never forgets.

I am actually enraged to the point of tears right now. I'm trying so hard to keep a level head - because I don't want to blow up and say the wrong things. I want this to be a controlled, calm message. Straight to the point.

I'm gonna do my best to keep cool. Let's see how this works out. Another blog soon come.